Blame
by NikkiB1973
Summary: Bella loses her daughter and blames herself...set years after Eclipse AU. One shot.


**Blame **

Disclaimer: all characters and copyright belong to Stephanie Meyer.

_**A/N-I was never going to post this as it is something personal to me. It happened to me. I wrote this as a way of trying to make sense of things, give me a little peace. I am only now really beginning to realise that you can't control when things happen to you, they just do. I'll never forget but I have to move on just like Bella does and count my blessings. Nikki **_

Bella knew she was losing the baby after she felt the familiar dragging pain begin in the pit of her stomach. She dropped the brochure she was just about to hand to one of the customers. The man, who just a second previously had been having a pleasant conversation about his camping holiday, looked on in alarm as Bella clutched her stomach and bent double. Blood began to soak through her clothes and she fell to her knees.

Mrs Newton who had been serving another customer at the till turned white as she watched her most valued employee cry out in pain. "Call an ambulance." She called out to one of the junior staff as she hurried to Bella's side. She winced at the sight of all the blood pooling on the floor. "Its going to be alright, Bella." She whispered.

Bella clutched her belly and gasped as she shuddered with pain. She knew it was far from alright. She was losing the baby and she had no one but herself to blame.

* * *

><p>Jacob was at work when he got the call from the hospital. He dropped what he was doing immediately and ran out of the garage, not even bothering to lock up. His head was filled with anxiety for his wife. The message had been short; Bella was in the hospital suffering a miscarriage. He knew he shouldn't have allowed her to persuade him to let her continue working. This was her fourth pregnancy. She was almost six months gone and was carrying the daughter they had both longed for after being gifted with three big, strapping sons.<p>

This last pregnancy had been hard on Bella. She hadn't been well from the start. Severe morning sickness had incapacitated her for the first three months. At one point she had hardly been able to keep even water down and eventually had to be admitted to hospital. She had spent a week attached to a drip to get vital fluids into her body. It had been touch and go, but by some type of miracle, the baby seemed to flourish and she was allowed out and back home. Jacob hadn't wanted Bella to return to work at Newton's Outfitters but Bella had insisted. They needed the money. With three hungry boys and the bills piling up they couldn't survive on Jacob's wage alone.

So against all his instincts he agreed to her going back, forcing her to promise she would take it easy. But Bella being Bella had ignored his warning. She took on more than she was able to cope with. She came home exhausted, looking thinner and paler than ever. The pregnancy seemed to be sapping all her energy. Her arms and legs were like sticks, making her rounded stomach seem larger than it was.

Jacob helped out as much as he was able around the house, even their young sons seemed to realise that their mother was not all that well, instead of the constant fighting and bickering, they tiptoed around, trying to be as quiet as possible. They even did their homework without too much urging. It was impossible for Jacob to be at the house very much as he was inundated at work. He was spending long hours fixing cars, trying to build up the family finances. Their friends helped out when they could, but they too had growing families and responsibilities.

All these thoughts whirled through Jacob's mind as he drove like a madman to the hospital.

* * *

><p>Jacob wasn't allowed to see Bella straight away. A kindly doctor had come out briefly and given him the sad news. The little girl had passed away. Unfortunately Bella still had to go through the trauma of giving birth. They had induced her and they hoped it wouldn't be long. Jacob had collapsed onto one of the hospital chairs and put his head in his hands as he wept. Eventually a different doctor came out to see him.<p>

"Can I be with my wife now?" Jacob begged.

The doctor put his hand on the tall man's shoulder. He had never seen anyone so distraught. "I'm sorry she is refusing to see you."

"Why?" Jacob couldn't understand it.

"Sometimes this happens. It is very traumatic for the mother. They kind of shut down, acting like it isn't really happening. She has a nurse with her. It will all be over soon." The doctor patted Jacob's shoulder. "Do you have anyone you can call?"

"Her dad is away on holiday with his wife. My dad is too ill to make it here." Jacob mumbled. He couldn't believe it. He just wanted to be with his wife. Then there were the boys, they had to be picked up from school. The weight of worry made his head ache. "I have to make a call."

"Of course." The doctor gave him a sad smile.

Jacob nodded as he walked disconsolately away to find a payphone, he had left his cell phone at work. He placed a call to Leah and Sam. He hardly managed to get his words out as he told them the tragic news. Leah promised to pick up the boys from school.

"They can stay here for now. Just concentrate on Bella." Leah advised.

"She won't see me." Jacob leaned his head against the cold tiled wall and forced himself to stop crying.

* * *

><p>Five hours later and it was all over. Jacob slipped into Bella's room and walked silently over to her bedside. Without her rounded stomach, she looked tiny and frail. Her long hair had been pulled back into a ponytail accentuating her sharp cheekbones. Jacob swallowed thickly and took her limp hand in his own. "Honey, I am so sorry."<p>

Bella turned her head and looked at him as if he was a complete stranger. "I killed her. I killed our baby." She said dully.

Jacob was shocked at her words. "Don't be silly, Bells. None of this was your fault. It just happened. There was nothing you could have done." He insisted.

Bella just turned her head away from him. She didn't speak again.

* * *

><p>They had a little funeral for the baby. Jacob had asked Bella if she would like to name their daughter but she showed no reaction. She was thinner than ever. For the last week since the miscarriage she had hardly spoken or shown an interest in anything, not even their sons. The doctors had told him she was suffering with depression. She would take time to get over the loss. She needed to grieve, but so far Bella hadn't shed one single tear. Eventually Jacob asked his sons what name they would like to give to the sister they would never see. After a small debate the name Rosie had been chosen. With both fathers and all their friends surrounding them, little Rosie Black was placed in the cold ground. Bella's eyes were the only ones that were dry.<p>

* * *

><p>"Bells, you can't go back to work yet." Jacob pleaded with her.<p>

"We need the money." Bella replied coldly.

"Not that badly." Jacob tried to reach out to her but she drew back from him, her arms folded as if to ward him away.

* * *

><p>The nights were the longest. Bella would pretend to sleep, it was only when she knew that Jacob was asleep that she crept from their room and went into the kitchen. She would sit at the kitchen table in the dark, a cold cup of coffee clutched in her hands. She would stare at nothing as she let the numbness surround her. Slowly the night hours would pass. It was only when dawn broke that she would show some signs of life. She went about the daily routine, making the boys lunch and taking them to school. Then she would head off to work. To Jacob she hardly spoke at all.<p>

* * *

><p>Jacob tried everything to get Bella to respond to him. He would reach out and try to hold her but she wouldn't let him touch her. She was holding everything inside. She refused to see that he was grieving too. Weeks passed. Bella became more distant. Her weight dropped to an all time low. Her father and their friends tried to intervene, but Bella refused to heed them. She had closed down completely. She felt nothing. Sometimes she would look at her boys, each of them the image of their father, and wonder who they belonged to. Were they hers? She felt detached from everything.<p>

* * *

><p>Three months passed with no change. Jacob was finding it hard to see his wife disappearing before his eyes. She was like a zombie, going about her every day routine, there but not really there. It was like the life had been leached out of her. She had withdrawn from everyone. He felt helpless and didn't know what to do. He knew that Bella was broken and this time he knew he didn't have the strength to fix her.<p>

* * *

><p>It was the smallest thing that broke her. Bella was at home alone. She was in their room cleaning. She always made sure she was busy. It kept her from having to think. She pulled out one of the draws that held the boys old baby clothes. Laying on top was a pink babygro. She stared at it for a moment. Why was that there? She reached out a trembling hand and picked it up. A small flicker of emotion crossed her face as she held the soft cloth to her face. An image of a little girl popped into her head. A little girl who looked just like her mother. Bella tried to hold onto the vision but it fell away from her. She dropped the babygro and staggered backwards. Her baby was dead, dead and it was all her fault. She had been the one who had insisted that she had to go back to work even though she knew how ill she had been, If she had listened to Jake and the others she would be holding her daughter in her arms right now. She wouldn't be buried in the cold ground.<p>

Bella fell to her knees as her walls crashed down and she let out a loud wail. She hit the floor with her fists, ignoring the pain as they began to turn red. She deserved the pain. This wasn't enough. She climbed back onto her feet and began to destroy the room around her. Bella upended all the draws, throwing the clothes around in anger. She pulled the duvet off of the bed and grabbed the pillows, shoving them on the floor and stamping on them. She screamed and cried as she cursed at herself over and over. The tears she had been holding back streamed down her face like a reservoir.

After an hour her rage had burned itself out. She fell on the heaped up pile of clothes and buried her face in them. When Jacob came home from work, that's where he found her.

* * *

><p>Jacob arranged for Leah and Sam to look after the boys. He picked up an exhausted Bella and put her in the car. It was the first time she had allowed him near her for months.<p>

"Where are we going?" She asked in a small voice.

"I'm taking you to see Rosie." Jacob saw more tears leak out of his wife's eyes. He was glad to see them.

* * *

><p>They stood in front of the tiny grave with the small white headstone. It listed Rosie's name, date of birth and death and a small message. Bella couldn't even recall being here before. Her lower lip trembled as she tried to hold back her tears. She needed to apologize to her daughter, to Rosie.<p>

"I am so sorry." She whispered. "I am so sorry that I wasn't strong enough. I shouldn't have gone into work. I should have been more careful. I wish you were here. I miss you. I love you."

Jacob couldn't bear to hear Bella's self blame but he knew she had to say those words, to get out how she was feeling. The fact that she was showing emotion at all was a good sign. A sign that she was perhaps beginning to heal. He put his arm tentatively around her shoulders, worried that she would shy away, but she didn't. Bella nestled into his side and put her head against his chest. "I'm so sorry."

"You don't need to be sorry. You did nothing wrong. I know you don't believe that right now, but it's true. You did everything you could for Rosie. She knows we love her even if we never got to see her grow, she knows we think of her every day. She will always be in our hearts." Jacob kissed the top of Bella's head as she began to cry again.

* * *

><p>Jacob and Bella stayed by Rosie's grave for another hour. It was peaceful and quiet and for Bella it gave her a modicum of comfort to know that she hadn't lost everything. She had a good, loving husband, three gorgeous young sons and a family and friends who loved her. It was going to be a long slow road to get over losing little Rosie, but with the love she was surrounded by daily, Bella finally began to believe that maybe it was possible.<p>

"Lets go home, Jake." Bella whispered. "I need to hug our boys."

Jacob smiled at her gently as he kissed the back of her hand. They said one last goodbye to Rosie then headed back home.

_**FIN...**_


End file.
